Hi Friends,
It has been a while since I last posted to the blog and much has happened. Since early April I have mostly been busy with different forms of rehabilitation. Catherine and I joined Gilda's Club and we take gentle yoga there once a week. We both really love the class. There has never been more than two other people with us in the class, and the instructor is fabulous, combining yoga with breathing work. It's a place where I can go and not feel self conscious for not being able to do all the moves. It's a series of fantastic stretches for me as I work at improving the scar tissue left behind from surgery as well as my rotator cuff, which is yelling at me these days. It's very much a 'two steps forward' process.
I also joined Wellspring, a cancer rehab centre, where I am in an exercise program two days a week. This program alternates five minutes of cardio work with strength training and core strengthening. I've been somewhat frustrated at this rehab because I developed more extensive lymphedema on both sides last week, the possible result of trying to increase my exercise program. I'm finding it hard emotionally because I am being so careful and yet the edema continues to build. I've also had issues with the cardio portion because of my heart rate: after three minutes of light cardio my heart rate averages around 175. It has spiked at 206, and the three "coaches" in the program just look at me wondering if I'm going to be ok. A woman I met at Gilda's has heart damage from her chemo (the same protocol I was on) so I'm in tomorrow to see my doctor and have my heart checked. The positive outlook on this is that I'm just really out of shape and the numbers will improve. I'm going with that. But they want me to have a stress test to make sure there was no permanent damage. I'd like to know that as well.
Equally importantly this month has been the peer support at Gilda's each Tuesday night. There are about 12 people in this group of all ages and with all types of cancer. Some weeks I get frustrated because they don't go to the places I want to go, but each and every time I go there I come away grateful for them. Catherine calls this my need to be with other people on "Planet Cancer," and she's right. It isn't a group of individuals who ask "Why Me?" but rather share their experiences about being sick, going through treatment, and fear of recurrence. Most of all, we all feel seen and heard. Of the 12 people, 4 are terminal, so I am also practicing a vocabulary that allows me to talk to people who are preparing to die. "How are you?" in these instances, is never a useful question. Some of these members are getting ongoing chemo (I couldn't do it) some now suffer from depression for the first time in their lives, some live alone, some are single parents and they share phone numbers to help one another through, especially when family and friends are truly burned out. Last night, one of the conversations revolved around returning to work, which is a huge issue for some of us. The facilitator talked about recent studies that draw close parallels between cancer treatment and PTSD. Cognitively, that feels like a thin argument, but emotionally, it seems spot on. Leaving treatment is the beginning of a new phase, and I'm trying everything in my power to be open to it, whatever it brings, no matter how hard. I may have some residual physical and psychological effects having gone through treatment, but, with help and support, I know I will learn to heal and manage them.
Much love,
Kip
