Dear Friends,
Today, my dear friend Walter came from Kingston for a visit with Catherine and myself. We talked about time, how to be present to oneself in the midst of illness, how to be still. After a few hours, I got tired and had to sleep, so Walter brought out his guitar and played me Cat Stevens as I began to nod off.
It was interesting to see myself through Walter's eyes today. I hadn't seen him since mid August, and now I feel like such a different person. Depleted, old. I thought today of a story about Freddie Mercury, just before he died: a friend came over to spend a few hours with him and as she left he said "thanks for spending time with an old man." Today, with the fatigue and other side effects, including my capped head, I felt like he was looking at an old person on the couch. Clearly I'm entering a new phase with the treatment, and with fewer reserves. It is now feeling like it is no longer my body, I don't recognize it anymore. I must remember that I will again, and that will be a glorious day.
I just learned that my friend and colleague in the School of Music, Karen Frederickson, will be starting chemo on October 29. She will have six treatments over the next few months.
Damn.
Much love,
Kip
Dear Kip:
ReplyDeleteIt was such a lovely surprise to hear from you last evening through Skype! And, my dear, you are still very much you! Other than the cap, I would not have thought anything was amiss. Even though your body does not feel it, stay strong in your mind and soul...you're still beautiful.
Love, CLR
Hey Kip:
ReplyDeleteI've learned from you that there is always another way to see things, a bright side. So let me try to channel Kip to Kip....I think it's a great strength that you can share the hard parts of enduring chemo. It makes it real, and we all need to know the reality ... all of us are touched by cancer these days -- a friend, a history, a worry about the future. So first, thank you for sharing with such clarity and focus what you are enduring, in all its totality.
But also, it's interesting that it's managing the treatment that is draining I think. By all counts, from what you and Catherine have shared, you are responding beautifully to the treatment. Like a textbook case, and that's fantastic news. The best news. The other side, the one that might not seem so bright now, is actually right there, just past the haze...
So rest up, stay strong, and a huge virtual hug...
Much love,
Abbie
hi kip,
ReplyDeleteso sorry to hear you sounding so down. and of course it makes perfect sense that you would be feeling energy-less. you with your body are in an arduous place. anyone would be exhausted with what you've had to go through in the last few months, physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually.
all of this is so.
and it also so, that you are strong and brave and warm and that you have gone into hard places and found your way out.
keep treating yourself gently. keep the ice cream and other treats at hand. remind yourself as often as you can that you are very loved.
thank you for keeping on telling us how you feel.
take good care.
love
e
Dear Kip,
ReplyDeleteI've been thinking of you a lot lately, perhaps especially prompted by that gorgeous holiday we just had, "Thanksgiving," which is coming to be one of my absolute favourite times of the year--a real reason to have a holi-day. And . . . each time you come to mind I send along all my hopes for healing and restoration. I'm so looking forward to that day that *will* come--that you mention in your post today--of finding yourself again in a wonderfully revivified body.
I'm sorry it's so hard right now, but you ARE so beautiful in body, mind, and soul, and we are all so lucky to have you sharing this journey with us. As others have said, you are, miraculously, giving each of us strength and insight about the challenges of life's difficulties, illnesses, and--blessings. My hope is that all of our energy will also help to sustain you and bring that glorious gift of healing.
Again, I'm around Toronto most weekends, so do let me know if or when I can do anything to help, or if you just want to share a cup of tea.
In the meantime, I'm sending huge hugs and lots of love!
Gabrielle
Hi Kip,
ReplyDeleteSean just announced at breakfast this morning that he finished Harry Potter #2 last night. This is his third reading of it! He is no differnt from other youth who get so into the books. He claimed that he wished Professor Gilderoy Lockart showed up in more books than just number 2. There is some incentive for you to get thru book #1 with Cath and move onto too book #2. Two great books to bring you up - "living under the stairs" - what a concept.
Sam is "borrowing" in subtraction in his math homework and Sean assured him that once you borrow you cannot give it back! Funny breakfast conversation from today.
Did Catherine tell you the story of Sam and me biking the other day and Sam said "Mommy, what are we going to do about our little Sean, he's growing up too fast!" Well, if not, here is what happened: I paused and then said to Sam, "I'm not exactly sure what you mean by that but is it about Sean not wanting to play so much with you anymore?" and Sam said "yes". So I said, "I know Sam, he is growing up but he still wants to play with you a lot and he'll always be your best friend and always love you more than anyone..."
Ah, how blessed are with these two boys!? Thought I'd try to share to illicit a smile out of your beautiful face Kip.
You are on my mind every single day.
We love you.
Ruth